Apple's New Paint Job: Thoughts on the Latest Event

Watching the Apple Event Like My German Neighbor Painting His Fence

I watched the Apple event out of the corner of my eye — the same way I watch my German neighbor repaint his fence every spring. Same fence, just shinier paint.

iPhone 17 Air: Now Sharp Enough to Slice Bread

So now we have the iPhone 17 Air. Air. Dust. Plastic salvation for humanity. It's the thinnest yet — perfect for slicing bread while doomscrolling TikTok.

Apple Watch Ultra 3: Talk to the Satellite

The Apple Watch Ultra 3 can now talk to satellites. Great. All that's left is for the satellite to start charging a monthly fee.

AirPods Pro 3: Your Pocket Cardiologist

AirPods Pro 3 now track your heart rate. I can already imagine the day they whisper, “You have tachycardia.” I’ll take them off, but they'll keep beating in the case.

“More Affordable Than Ever”: Translation Required

And all of this is served under the slogan “Now more affordable.” Which loosely translates to: “You’ll survive with last year’s model, peasant. Take out a loan and stop whining.”

Civilization is tired. Apple, however, is still joyfully painting that same old fence.

P.S. AAPL is crawling upward — I bought a little before the show.